At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
