my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
