i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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