your room smells of hookers.
And success
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize