someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
