I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize