I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
