She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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