I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
