why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
