She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
