i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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