He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
