I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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