ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
