he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
