I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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