I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
