Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
