Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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