The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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