Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
