I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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