so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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