apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
