He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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