also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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