You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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