think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
