Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
