I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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