Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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