I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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