Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
