Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Randomize
