Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
