I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
