I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
