Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
pop tarts are not kleenex
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
