i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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