can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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