can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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