Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so let's talk penis.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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