Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
