fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
