Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
