she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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