You can't special order awesome
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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