My room smells like vodka and shame
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
