Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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