She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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