I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
