That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize