Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
