Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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