We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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