Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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