You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
