So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
