I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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