Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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