Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
