She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
