my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
