Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
