Just fell off a train. Bad.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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