You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
