Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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