i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
