i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
