Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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