we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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